The Washington Post has a yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners for 2005 were:
Coffee (n) – The person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj) – Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v) – To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v) – To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj) – Impotent.
Negligent (adj) – Describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v) – To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n) – Olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n) – Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n) – A rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n) – A humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n) – The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n) – A Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n) – A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n) – The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n) – An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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