“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…”
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
Last year on my 36th birthday, I thought I had reached the ceiling of life here on earth. I couldn’t fathom living a better life, or having better friends or family. The Monday following my birthday, I learned the hard way that the higher you are, the farther you can fall. This isn’t a post to psychoanalyze the how’s and why’s of how my life crashed, but I am definitely here to describe the process of my own, ongoing, personal metamorphoses.
I have a hard time describing the hell I’ve gone through for the last few months. It came out of nowhere, and totally consumed me. From all outside cues, my life couldn’t have been any better. I had just recently completed a life-goal of completing a marathon (under my time goal). I just attended my first U2 concert. I even received an unexpected (and nice) raise at work. There were so many great things that happened in 2011 that it’s hard to figure out how I got to the place I ended up.
Where I ended up was weeks and weeks of 2-4 hours of sleep per night. Weeks of thinking about when I can take my next Xaxex. Months of relying on Paxil. The loss of 15 lbs. on a frame that was already thin to begin with. The lack of desire to be out in public for a guy that loves hanging with people. Coming home at lunch and doing nothing but cry uncontrollably for an hour. Getting to a point where I prayed multiple times for God to come quickly because I couldn’t take this feeling any more.
Don’t forget, this all comes in the middle of the most incredibly rewarding year of my life.
Again, I’m not here to figure out the physical or mental reasons this might have happened. I’m here to tell you that it was a necessary, and grace-filled, season that God allowed me to go through. Up to then, I’d been more than a “good little Christian boy”. I was actively involved church, studied theology in my free time, and didn’t engage in any of the “big” sins (drugs, alcohol, swearing, etc.). But I had plenty of not-so-blind spots in my life that needed to be fixed.
Years ago in college I heard a testimony from someone who prayed to God one night to do whatever it took to allow him to be closer to God. The next day he had an accident that nearly took his life. As you might suspect, his prayer was answered and his relationship was taken to another level. I’ve always wanted to pray that prayer, but I’ve always been afraid to. I really didn’t want God to do whatever it takes, especially if that meant losing a loved one or something similarly tragic. I even lamented these thoughts here on this blog a few years back. God knew that, and I believe he did the next best thing since I was unwilling to ask Him myself. God brought me to my knees in such a way that I had no choice but to rely solely on Him to get out of the pit. Rather than losing someone close, or even my lot in life, I lost the closest thing I could think of. I lost myself.
The process sucked, as you can imagine. But the process fixed some gaping holes in mine and God’s relationship. For example, I have always had a problem with praying on a consistent basis, but now I pray all day long. I start every morning with this prayer: “God, guide my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my mind, my feet and my hands. Be my guide today.” I set aside time in my lunch break to pray specifically for others. I pray every night with my son, something I had never done in his previous eight years. I read from the Bible and pray every night right before bed. Not to mention the continuous prayers throughout the day for strength, and of thanksgiving.
There are many other things that I’ve been able to adjust in my life through this experience that I would never have been able to do without this “holy push”. Too many to say in this already long blog post, but today I am eternally thankful for the people God put in my life to get me through this. The words and deeds of those around me were invaluable. I’m not back to were I was in August 2011, but I think that was sort of the point.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart!
I have overcome the world.” —John 16:33
Filed under: Life
“The biggest difference between Jesus Christ and ethical and moral teachers who have been deified by man, is that these moralists came to make bad people good. Jesus came to make dead people live!”
Take today for example. It easily could have been written off as a very bad day. Things happened and situations arose that aren’t what I would call optimal for a happy day. But unwinding in the shower tonight I realized that those things paled in comparison to the rest of the day.
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